The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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