were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
