My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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