He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
