i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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