and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
