The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
3 2 1 whiskey
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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