Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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