SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
