This is not my ceiling
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
