Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
