I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
