You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
