There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
