so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
