Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
