i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
