I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
