My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
