Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
