I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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