apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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