a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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