she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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