Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
