Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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