i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
