Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
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i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
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I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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