i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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