wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
