you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
