even my farts smell like vagina
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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