i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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