You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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