Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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