i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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