it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
