What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
