Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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