It's Friday. Sex?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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