Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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