Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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