It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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