How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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