I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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