I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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