I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
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