my phone needs a breathalizer
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
