just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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