I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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