when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
