Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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