I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
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You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
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Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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