dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
