The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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